Validation versus Problem-Solving:

This week's relationship lesson explains how validation is empathy in action and problem solving is devoid of empathy.

Validation is one of the many keys to bridging disconnections which arise between us. Problem solving is a method to fix things that may or may not require mending, and it moves us out of our own feelings by way of rescuing. At the heart of it, validation is empathy in action and problem solving is devoid of empathy.

Two available responses:

1. When we are validated we feel seen and understood.

2. When someone moves into fixing (aka thinking ‘for’ us)...we can feel misunderstood, and even disempowered.

This holiday season, and always of course, we invite you to get in touch with your own feelings in order to be able to reach across to your partner. However there are many challenges that we face in our efforts to do this. In particular, if we have grown up in a family where we weren’t taught or modelled how to ‘feel’ or how to access and stay with our feelings, then we are going to really struggle with this.

So how do we stay present to one another and practice validation rather than problem solving (or turning away, reacting, ignoring, sympathizing, etc….)

The key part to validation is holding an awareness of context.

Context means that…

• You know your partner

• You know yourself

• You are able to differentiate who they are from who you are

• You know the situations in which your partner has been at other times in their life which may be influencing the present AND

• You care about them and want to support them, not fix them!

What this might sound like…